Triggered

My perpetrator reported me as I posted in my instagram about him refer to this link  for ruining his reputation. I was advised that there will be a letter to be sendto me to settle the issue and will have mediation between me and him. When I heard about it, I feel angry, I cried, I cursed him, I felt the world is so unfair. I was the one victimised and now I tell what truly he is, it was like..”you did it all and you being slapped with that truth why you can’t accept that, you’re like that. It tells and define about who you are, accept it!”

The fact that you did it, it’s fair to say you are ruining your own reputation not any of your victim.

It triggered me, the time when I felt and thought that I am healed, moved on, forgave, I’m totally ok then you felt being pulled back to feel where it all started.

Let’s get back to invitation for mediation, I refused it because I know I would be emotionally chaotic to see my perpetrator in front of me. I agree to take it down from my instagram page for the sake of my continuous emotional healing. 

An Open Letter to My Perpetrator

Today this post was taken down in my IG. This post has been a while posted, my perpetrator may “reported it to be removed.” I posted this when all was fresh, the emotional wound I felt, the anger towards my perpetrator . I thought I fully move on, fully let go, and recovered but I was wrong when this post was taken down, it triggered the pain that is underneath burried and triggered the anger towards my perpetrator but it is now manageable emotions than before.

An Open Letter to My Perpetrator

Dear Kris,

Have you ever been feel sorry of what you have done to me? You took pleasure by force and not consented. 

Are you aware of what you stole from me?

You stole my ability to trust.

You stole my intimacy and confidence.

You stole the time I should be enjoying my life and replace it with pain and suffering.

You stole those happy days and moments I can’t turnback to re live.

You took the whole me and left destroyed and shattered 

You crushed me down to my soul.

You caused disturbing emotional distress.

You put me in a situation where my only option was to give up my life.

You stole something that wasn’t yours.

You stole something you didn’t earn to have.

You stole something from me that I can’t get back.

I thought that if I do steps to find justice and destroy you as you did to me, I would get healed but I was soft, not strong enough as I still believe God alone can avenge on my behalf.

Now I am here trying to rebuild, reclaim, recover those you stole from me by your animalistic behaviour. How much time I need to be fully healed, I don’t know.

The thing I am sure of, that this memories will not die until I do but I will make sure it will not dominate over me anymore. 

I will be perfectly fine one day.

Even in pain and anger, sometimes I wonder about your story. 

What or who caused you to behave like animal? 

Were you ever raised up properly? 

Were you ever truly loved? 

Were you’ve been cared of? 

Were you been taught of respecting women?

Were you have been guilty of what you have done?

Did you find healing for your own self?

Letting go and forgiveness, I am not really sure if I can and I am trying, not because you deserve forgiveness but because I deserve peace. I just want to be free from pain and anger, let go and move on. 

I hope somewhere in your life you will realize not everyone is the same, not everyone can accept what you have done. 

I hope you find healing in your own self.

Love, 

Someone who’s 

#survivingsexualassault

Find time..

Instagram

Find time

to be soothed, relaxed and to be healed

Someday..

Someday..

you’re going to look back at all the progress you’ve made and be so glad you didn’t give up when you felt like that was the only option

At this moment, I am glad I didn’t give up, I didn’t jump off the building when I want to do so. I can feel the progress, I got back the control of my own emotions and continue healing.

Healing journey

My healing journey 

I am healing in progress.

“When you let go, you will be free.”

i’m still working on it

"Putting back the broken pieces may not be the same as it used to be 

but accepting it is what it is now may help."

"Allow yourself to be in a quiet place to feel the peace,

calmness and gently relax

it's another way of healing."

I don't feel like "I-want-to-die" 

means I'm emotionally healing in progress.

"I might be okay some days but

there are days I'm still crying."

Hang on to life

Hang on to life

Life throw us so many surprises, it can be good or bad. Good things we enjoy it and bad it challenges us how we accept it and measures us how strong we are. Whether we are in good or bad situation, one thing we need to keep in mind, life must goes on.

My worst nightmare

Have you ever had a nightmare? You feel really bad but when you wake up and you realize it’s not real and you feel relieved.

What was happened to me has completely changed my life. The way it affected me wasn’t easy to handle. The emotional pain was unbearable that I just wished it’s just a nightmare and I will wake up and everything is fine. Reality was pain, guilt, regret, anger and self-blame killing inside me. 

The time I hit the rock bottom

The darkest moment

It was the moment when I hit the rock bottom. I didn’t know what to do, I feel so lost and I feel like walking in the air without direction. What was in my mind, I just to escape  and end up everything at that point of time. Deep inside was so heavy that sinking me down feeling hopeless.

I know no one would want to feel that way. I know I am strong but I didn’t expect to be at my lowest and softest side that I almost couldn’t handle it anymore. I didn’t even see a little hope and faith that time. I was blinded and blank and didn’t know what to do.

That was the craziest thing that came into my mind. I am glad I am brave enough to face and fiercely feel the emotional pain. When someone commented on my instagram page “stay strong! life is worth much more” then I realized he is right.

Overwhelming emotional pain

When you need a hug

I am a person that enjoy being alone, no friends to hang out with, no friends to talk to whenever I feel so down. Going through a tough situation like this, away from home and family, I realize you definitely need someone who will listen to your story or just simply give you a comforting hug. Feelings become intense if it is not express. Day by day the negative feelings file up inside that may overflow at any point of time. Those days I was desperate of someone who can be trusted to listen and understand me. I made a wrong move when I tell all to the person who did it to me and expect him to understand and expect him to feel sorry of what he has done to me but it turned out the other way around. 

It was a very down moment, not easy to go through this situation alone and hopeless. I maybe look physically good but deep inside I’m slowly dying. I am keeping inside me all the negative emotions that I can't express because I have no one to turn to. It was overwhelming emotions that I almost couldn't handle and about to give up. My emotions taking over me. I was so focus on the negative feelings that I can't figure out what to do other than giving up. When I started my instagram page I posted my feelings randomly and that's where I feel lighter and I found out, I am not alone going through this situation. The warm messages I received it feels comforting and uplifting. I found some strength and courage. 

When you can’t stop yourself from crying

Suffering from emotional pain

Emotional pain is something that we shouldn’t hide, the more you keep it by yourself the more you feel worse. 

I had those days when all I want to do is to cry and cry, let it all out because it’s killing inside me. I couldn't stop crying when I remember what happened. Guilt, regret and blaming myself "it was my fault, it was my fault, it was my fault!" it was haunting me and was so intense that made me so distracted, unable to focus to work. Everyday I wake up like a struggle to live for another day. I keep myself everyday busy and I always want to sleep when I am not busy just to escape thinking about it. Even in the midst of my busy day, I caught myself stop and unknowingly I feel having teary eyes. I can't escape the feeling especially when I am alone. I remember those days I was in the church, in the park where I can't help myself but breakdown and cry. 

How it all started?

How it all started?

I am a sexual assault victim, I keep it all by myself, I didn’t tell anyone until I saw this quote. I don’t have close friends to tell about my feelings. Everyday pass by, I feel so drown and overwhelm with the negative emotions. Guilt, regret, self-blame, depression, hopeless, feeling worthless and dirty and the feeling of “I-want-to-die”. I was seating at the park, crying and let the pain flow through my tears. After I calm down, then I started to create an instagram page and write down all my thoughts and feelings randomly everyday. It gives me a lighter feeling everytime I express my emotions through writing and this is how it all started.