Triggered

My perpetrator reported me as I posted in my instagram about him refer to this link  for ruining his reputation. I was advised that there will be a letter to be sendto me to settle the issue and will have mediation between me and him. When I heard about it, I feel angry, I cried, I cursed him, I felt the world is so unfair. I was the one victimised and now I tell what truly he is, it was like..”you did it all and you being slapped with that truth why you can’t accept that, you’re like that. It tells and define about who you are, accept it!”

The fact that you did it, it’s fair to say you are ruining your own reputation not any of your victim.

It triggered me, the time when I felt and thought that I am healed, moved on, forgave, I’m totally ok then you felt being pulled back to feel where it all started.

Let’s get back to invitation for mediation, I refused it because I know I would be emotionally chaotic to see my perpetrator in front of me. I agree to take it down from my instagram page for the sake of my continuous emotional healing. 

An Open Letter to My Perpetrator

Today this post was taken down in my IG. This post has been a while posted, my perpetrator may “reported it to be removed.” I posted this when all was fresh, the emotional wound I felt, the anger towards my perpetrator . I thought I fully move on, fully let go, and recovered but I was wrong when this post was taken down, it triggered the pain that is underneath burried and triggered the anger towards my perpetrator but it is now manageable emotions than before.

An Open Letter to My Perpetrator

Dear Kris,

Have you ever been feel sorry of what you have done to me? You took pleasure by force and not consented. 

Are you aware of what you stole from me?

You stole my ability to trust.

You stole my intimacy and confidence.

You stole the time I should be enjoying my life and replace it with pain and suffering.

You stole those happy days and moments I can’t turnback to re live.

You took the whole me and left destroyed and shattered 

You crushed me down to my soul.

You caused disturbing emotional distress.

You put me in a situation where my only option was to give up my life.

You stole something that wasn’t yours.

You stole something you didn’t earn to have.

You stole something from me that I can’t get back.

I thought that if I do steps to find justice and destroy you as you did to me, I would get healed but I was soft, not strong enough as I still believe God alone can avenge on my behalf.

Now I am here trying to rebuild, reclaim, recover those you stole from me by your animalistic behaviour. How much time I need to be fully healed, I don’t know.

The thing I am sure of, that this memories will not die until I do but I will make sure it will not dominate over me anymore. 

I will be perfectly fine one day.

Even in pain and anger, sometimes I wonder about your story. 

What or who caused you to behave like animal? 

Were you ever raised up properly? 

Were you ever truly loved? 

Were you’ve been cared of? 

Were you been taught of respecting women?

Were you have been guilty of what you have done?

Did you find healing for your own self?

Letting go and forgiveness, I am not really sure if I can and I am trying, not because you deserve forgiveness but because I deserve peace. I just want to be free from pain and anger, let go and move on. 

I hope somewhere in your life you will realize not everyone is the same, not everyone can accept what you have done. 

I hope you find healing in your own self.

Love, 

Someone who’s 

#survivingsexualassault

Find time..

Instagram

Find time

to be soothed, relaxed and to be healed